Saturday morning I was at yoga class and one of the messages that the instructor imparted as the class began was the importance of being aware of what we are feeling, acknowledging it, and not immediately backing away from it. She noted that when a pose is uncomfortable (causing discomfort from working and active muscles rather pain) that our tendency is to back away from it, to ease up on the pose rather than to acknowledge, embrace, and breathe into what we are feeling. She also remarked that we often do the same thing with our emotions. It was then that it hit me. I am feeling lonely.
It seems a bit odd of course that I should feel lonely after this past week of hectic activity. I've been getting to know some of my new colleagues a bit better. I have lots of new students whose names I'm trying to learn. I feel lucky to have a spouse who was willing to move with me to Alaska for my job and who has been a trooper through the long wait for our stuff. Yet, I realized on my mat on Saturday that I feel really lonely. Of course, I had spent the day before at home, alternating editing, writing, and unpacking boxes, and, being an extrovert, I like those kinds of days to be followed with an evening with friends or group run the next day. So, as I was there on my mat, I acknowledged my loneliness. I was and I am lonely for specific friends but also because I don't yet have a large circle of friends here.
In part, it's probably because we have yet to have anyone over to our home for a beer or a meal. I haven't yet gone running with anyone or had lunch with a friend here since the move. While my new colleagues have been welcoming and friendly, we're not yet to the stage where I feel like I can call any of them to come over and drink a beer while I may or may not go apeshit about mislabeled boxes. With a couple of people, I feel like real friendships are on the verge of forming, but we haven't quite made it there yet. So the past couple of days I've allowed myself to feel lonely and realized that's okay. I don't need to do anything specific about it (except maybe meet up with that local group for a run tomorrow evening) because with time the feeling will pass or -- perhaps, more accurately -- it will grow into something different as I form more and deeper connections with my new community.
Sometimes when my life is the busiest, I can feel the loneliest! I'm sure with just a little more time you'll have a new circle of friends to share experiences with!
ReplyDeleteI kept thinking it would pass when I moved here, too, but it's been 6 years and I'm still lonely as hell. I sincerely hope you make yourself at home better than I have.
ReplyDeleteAy! I'm really sorry to hear you're still so lonely. I hope you do get past it eventually.
DeleteMoving is hard! I can remember being lonely on the two major moves we've made. It takes time to establish a real network of friends. I think it's great that you are acknowledging it and allowing yourself to go through it. You'll get to a more "normal" place before long!
ReplyDeleteI've felt that way every time I've relocated -- even now, being back in my home town after the PhD. I think it's normal, and acknowledging it is very healthy.
ReplyDeleteCourtney ~ http://sartorialsidelines.com
I moved so many times in my youth and it was exhausting, scary and lonely, but since I seemed fine, nobody knew I found it difficult. As an adult, I can't imagine moving and starting from scratch, because I know how much I value my networks and how little I enjoy moving. OF course, the problem with staying in one place is that you never have the adventure of joining a new crowd and starting a new life. I'm sure you will get through the "new to this place" phase and develop a great group of friends and resources. But in order for them to be meaningful and to click, it will take a little while.
ReplyDeleteIn the meanwhile, you can chat with your long distance and internet friends while you get into your new groove.
I've moved so many times growing up and as an adult, but I always seem to forget that it takes a little while to settle in and make friends. I hope that it does all click eventually.
DeleteI completely get you. I moved twice in the past four years and it's definitely not easy. I also had a hard time actually admitting I was lonely too, because I have a big group of friends (just not locally), and live with my husband, and really like my co-workers, but something was definitely lacking. I've been in my current location a little over a year and am definitely finding my groove. I think you're absolutely awesome for acknowledging it, and right that you'll find your group soon.
ReplyDeleteAwww, I'm sending you a big electronic hug right now. Did you feel it?
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking that I feel lonely for strong female friendships. I work with all men and my best local friend is a man. My female friendships here have either not progressed to something deeper, or people have moved away, or they've become too problematic to be fun and comforting. I think I need to work a little harder to strengthen my local female friendships, though honestly, I feel like I'm having an easier time "clicking" with men.
Thanks for the hug, amiga! I am definitely missing the strong female friendships I had in my last location - it was a bit of an anomaly for me to have several really close female friendships that formed so quickly.
DeleteOh, I remember this stage. We've made two big moves in our life together, and those first 3-6 weeks are tough. After that, you begin to see that friendships are forming, but it still takes time to strengthen the bonds. Yoga class, running groups, those are good ways to start.
ReplyDeleteI do think, sometimes, that work as a mainly teaching academic can be an odd mix of social and lonely. You chat with peers in hallways, lounges, etc. but generally when we're out of our offices it's because we're on our way somewhere, so measuring out our chat-time carefully. And of course the interactions with students are also limited just by their nature.
Anyway, I hope that your acknowledgement of your own loneliness is the start of moving out of that stage of your life. And all your internet friends are here for you in the meantime. . .
Ah yes, the loneliness of moving. I feel you sister. I feel like acquaintances are easy to come by, but true friends, the ones you invite over to drink beer while you unpack, are hard to come by. You will find them though; it just takes time. Until then, keep putting yourself out there! Many times people are just hesitant to be the first one to put themselves out there. If you do it, people will be responsive!
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how lonly I would feel if I moved to a new place and didn't yet have a circle of friends. Glad you are able to acknowledge your feelings without judgement (it's not good or bad, it just is). :-)
ReplyDeleteAw, I am sorry to hear that you are lonely. I think it is good to acknowledge these feelings and I am glad that yoga is giving you an extra platform to do so. I kind of think we have to acknowledge certain feelings before we can be released from them. I hope the loneliness phase moves along very quickly!
ReplyDeleteAhh... I know that feeling all too well.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you had the presence of mind to acknowledge it. It took me a couple of months to figure out why I was so glum after I moved from CA to FL. (Working from home surely didn't help!) Things improved once I started teaching and my social circle slowly started to grow. And you are absolutely right - acknowledging it is an important step.
I know *exactly* how this feels. It takes time to feel like you live someplace. Fortunately when I started here I met people relatively quickly, but when we moved to Illinois for me to do my PhD, it took a long time. You'll get there. Embrace it and enjoy the quiet moments--they won't last.
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