Disheartened

I hadn't planned to post until after the holiday, but I'm having such a horrible day that I needed a space to vent. Some of my frustration has been building for a while and it has culminated today in a heavy heart and a bruised head.

On Tuesday we picked up our car from the airport only to discover that the front driver's side car had been damaged. Probably due to one of the many potholes in the roads that the government of my state has not fixed and now that it has officially shut down might not fix. We had to spend a couple of hours in a tire shop on Tuesday evening and got home several hours later than planned. On Thursday at midnight all non-essential functions of the state government shut down. While I am one of the lucky ones (technically I am a state employee since I work for a public university) and will still be getting my paycheck, since an arrangement for the system to access its funds during the shut down was reached, many other people in this state have been laid off at least for the time being. It sickens me that politics has become so ideological and extreme that compromises can't be reached and that governments can't function properly. I've been fuming over this for the past month.  It angers me to no end that politicians think they should be able to regulate marriage and reproductive rights but can't bother to fix the fucking state highways. But I won't go into that rant.

Yesterday my mood was further blackened by a call I got from my local Y. I had signed up for a marathon class that was supposed to start next week. Not enough people signed up for the evening class, so it has been cancelled. The Y offered to switch me to the morning class, but it won't fit into my schedule once the semester starts next month, so I had to ask for a refund. I was bummed because I was really looking forward to having people to train with and getting to work with a running coach. I had been holding off on picking a training program for Chicago until I could consult with the coach of the class, but now it looks like I'm on my own. I have trained for two marathons more or less on my own, and I know that I can do it again. However, right now, today, the idea of going through a training cycle on my own just feels like a burden. I've written to a local running coach/sports psychologist to inquire about her services. I haven't heard anything back yet, but hopefully we can come to an arrangement that will help me get to my goal without breaking my bank.

This morning I got up to run 7-8 miles, and I must have got up on the wrong side of the bed.  Bailey took forever to do her business. When I opened the fridge, a carton of eggs fell out and I had to clean up smashed egg yolks all over the kitchen floor. My run sucked -- probably more due to my mental state than anything else.  It took me forever to run what I don't even consider a long run. Then when I went to get something out of the fridge to make my lunch, I wasn't paying attention and stood upright too soon, whacking the back of my head on the freezer. The good thing I guess is that the tears of pain soon gave way to tears of anger and frustration. Ah. Catharsis.

I'm hoping that spending the afternoon reading Harry Potter and making cupcakes will turn this day or at least my ability to respond and react to it around.

Coming to Terms with Tough Decisions

So, as you may recall, I have been training for the San Antonio marathon that will be taking place in just a little over two weeks.  You may also remember that after two pretty good months of training in August and most of September, I hit a rough patch with my training this month.  I had 140 miles on my training schedule, and I have come nowhere close to logging that kind of mileage.  Floods, visiting in-laws, grading midterms, and 60+ hour weeks of working have all taken their toll on my training program.  For about a week now I have been considering running the half-marathon instead of the full in San Antonio.  I ran a full marathon last year.  Training for that one was tough - emotionally, physically, and mentally, but I didn't have nearly as many other obligations then as I do now. 

This morning I realized that I can either feel miserable and stressed about running the marathon for the next sixteen days or I can go ahead and admit to myself that right now a full marathon is not in the cards for me right now.  So that it what I am doing.  When I line up in San Antonio, I am not going to do it for the full.  Instead I'm going to run the half. 

This was a tough decision, and part of me feels like a failure.  I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I cannot always do everything that I want and accomplish everything that I try to.  Fundamentally, though, right now I need for running to help me relieve stress not for it to add even more anxiety to my life.  So instead of focusing on 26.2 miles, I'm going to try to beat my most recent half-marathon time (2:33:46 officially).  And I'm going to have a great time visiting my beautiful sister and her husband in San Antonio.